Friday, August 19, 2005
When the Latter Day Saints Come Marching In...
Mormons (or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or LDS)
Mormons are the nicest crazy people you will ever meet. They don’t drink, smoke, carouse, or even consume caffeine. They have thousands of children, whom they shower with attention, pray over, send on mandatory mission trips overseas before eventually sending them to Brigham Young University, the Mecca for all good college-bound Mormon kids. Mormons, in general, are so healthy and polite you think, “Wow! I need to check out their religion!” Well, before you do, you probably ought to check out what Mormons actually believe.
The LDS church was founded in the 1800’s by a fellow named Joseph Smith. Smith, who had a 6th grade education and parents who were into divining (searching for water, gold, etc. via a variety of extra-sensory means), was destined either for a career in politics or religion. Since no established church would have allowed a semiliterate diviner to rise to any echelon of church governance, Smith wisely started his own church.
According to Smith, God spoke to him through an angel named Moroni. Moroni revealed to Joseph Smith, then in his late teens, that God had hidden golden tablets on which were the Lost Gospels. Moroni then told Smith where to find the tablets and how to decode them, as they were written in Ancient Egyptian (as opposed to Aramaic or Hebrew, the historically established original languages of the New and Old Testament books). The method was singular: Smith was provided with special crystals, which he placed inside a hat. He then proceeded to place his face into the hat and stare at the crystals, after which he was able to decode the Ancient Egyptian on the golden tablets. Smith dictated his interpretations to his wife (his first wife, that is), who wrote them down. Remember, Smith only had a 6th grade education and was a notoriously bad speller. The golden tablets have been lost (big surprise), though Smith, Wife Number 1, and a couple of close acquaintances/early adherents to the faith swore to their existence.
The messages that Smith dictated to his wife eventually became the Book of Mormon. Throughout his lifetime, Smith received various direct messages from God regarding additions to Mormon beliefs/doctrine. Like the Southern Baptists, the Mormons at first believed that God could and did speak directly to individual Mormons, nullifying the need for church elders, Popes, etc. However, Smith, like the Southern Baptist Convention so many years later, realized how dangerous this precedent was: if every Tom, Jane or Job could communicate directly with God, church hierarchy and church leaders would become irrelevant. Smith, therefore, announced that God had revised the original message and would furthermore just be speaking through him; apparently, Smith’s fellow Mormons/Saints believed him, which brings us to what is still a sticking point for present-day Mormons.
Plural Marriage
Joseph Smith, whom respected researcher/writer Jon Krakauer describes as a “sex addict”, desired sex with women other than his wife. Since most Christians consider sex outside marriage a sin, Smith found a solution in the Old Testament: multiple marriages. Smith’s original wife had serious issues with this, as did both men and women in the church, but since Smith was the only one allowed to receive messages directly from God by then, Smith won. When Wife #1 suggested that women might take additional husbands, Smith over-ruled her again, announcing that plural marriage was only for men. He then proceeded to take a multitude of young “wives” – and some were as young as 14 – and call it God’s plan. Unlike the Old Testament version, the taking of plural wives by Mormons was not contingent upon being able to afford multiple wives; rather, Mormon men were supposed to take more than one wife because God wanted them to do so. Not surprisingly, Smith also received messages from God that explained how important it was for Mormons to have as many children as possible; the ability to have multiple children was purportedly the purpose for having multiple wives.
The Mormons hail originally from New York state, but they, in their sojourn to find a place where they could practice their faith – and have their many wives – in peace, settled in Ohio, Missouri and Illinois before high-tailing it out west to what is now Utah. Joseph Smith was killed in Illinois before the group could make its exit, and another fellow, Brigham Young, took over and led the wandering faithful to the promised land, so-determined because nobody else wanted it. The Mormons prospered and reproduced in this western territory, building their own cities, governments, and growing in considerable political clout. However, since the majority of the rest of the country was appalled by (or jealous of) plural marriage, the Mormons were forced to relinquish the practice in order to be granted statehood in 1896. Though mainstream Mormons today will swear to you that they disapprove of plural marriage and that nobody practices it anymore, they (and anyone else who is paying attention) know that lots of Mormons still keep an extra wife or three stashed in various hamlets/backwaters in the western states.
To this day, Mormons are encouraged to have big families (The Osmonds, for example), although they are not all required to be musical.
Mormons are overwhelmingly white and Republican, since Republicans support the kinds of “values” (no abortion, no homosexuality, no women getting uppity and trying to run things) that Mormons support. They are almost always white because the Mormon religion is at its core extremely racist. Most Christian denominations have their fair share of racists and racist ideas (the Southern Baptist Church, for example, formed in large part to affirm slavery and repudiate Yankee Baptists who weren’t wild about it); however, the Mormons base their theology on racism. According to the Mormons, Noah’s son, Ham (whom we only hope was not a vegetarian), married a non-white woman and produced a race of mixed-breed children who were less intelligent and less moral than Noah’s other children. Of course, this premise is inherently faulty if you accept that Noah and his family were the only humans to survive the great flood that God sent to punish humankind. Where did these non-white women come from? Wasn’t everyone dead? But again, if you believe that Smith translated a language inscribed on golden tablets by staring at crystals in an upside-down hat, it’s not such a stretch.
Until the late 1970’s, black men were not allowed to become elders in the Mormon church (women, by the way, are never allowed to have such leadership positions, black or otherwise). Although blacks are now allowed to hold these positions, there hasn’t been a huge rush of blacks joining the Mormon church. Go figure.
Mormons, in short, believe in big families, traditional family structures (men in charge, women doing what the men say, children obeying their parents), the absolute authority of the Church over members’ private lives, no mingling of the races, and absolutely no Democrats. They also wear sacred underwear, which are designed to cover up all the “special parts” and discourage extramarital hanky-panky and masturbation. Sacred underwear, needless to say, does not affect one’s fertility.
Mormon catchphrases:
1) “The Bible is important, but the Book of Mormon explains what has happened since then.” Meaning: The Bible’s old news; the Book of Mormon is where it’s at!
2) “We believe in strong families.” Meaning: The man’s in charge, the woman is submissive, and the kids will absolutely behave or we will knock them silly – praise Moroni.
3) “We aren’t racists.” Meaning: If you ain’t white, stay the heck out of Utah.
4) “We don’t practice polygamy any more.” Meaning: We don’t need to practice; we’re good at it.
Mormons are the nicest crazy people you will ever meet. They don’t drink, smoke, carouse, or even consume caffeine. They have thousands of children, whom they shower with attention, pray over, send on mandatory mission trips overseas before eventually sending them to Brigham Young University, the Mecca for all good college-bound Mormon kids. Mormons, in general, are so healthy and polite you think, “Wow! I need to check out their religion!” Well, before you do, you probably ought to check out what Mormons actually believe.
The LDS church was founded in the 1800’s by a fellow named Joseph Smith. Smith, who had a 6th grade education and parents who were into divining (searching for water, gold, etc. via a variety of extra-sensory means), was destined either for a career in politics or religion. Since no established church would have allowed a semiliterate diviner to rise to any echelon of church governance, Smith wisely started his own church.
According to Smith, God spoke to him through an angel named Moroni. Moroni revealed to Joseph Smith, then in his late teens, that God had hidden golden tablets on which were the Lost Gospels. Moroni then told Smith where to find the tablets and how to decode them, as they were written in Ancient Egyptian (as opposed to Aramaic or Hebrew, the historically established original languages of the New and Old Testament books). The method was singular: Smith was provided with special crystals, which he placed inside a hat. He then proceeded to place his face into the hat and stare at the crystals, after which he was able to decode the Ancient Egyptian on the golden tablets. Smith dictated his interpretations to his wife (his first wife, that is), who wrote them down. Remember, Smith only had a 6th grade education and was a notoriously bad speller. The golden tablets have been lost (big surprise), though Smith, Wife Number 1, and a couple of close acquaintances/early adherents to the faith swore to their existence.
The messages that Smith dictated to his wife eventually became the Book of Mormon. Throughout his lifetime, Smith received various direct messages from God regarding additions to Mormon beliefs/doctrine. Like the Southern Baptists, the Mormons at first believed that God could and did speak directly to individual Mormons, nullifying the need for church elders, Popes, etc. However, Smith, like the Southern Baptist Convention so many years later, realized how dangerous this precedent was: if every Tom, Jane or Job could communicate directly with God, church hierarchy and church leaders would become irrelevant. Smith, therefore, announced that God had revised the original message and would furthermore just be speaking through him; apparently, Smith’s fellow Mormons/Saints believed him, which brings us to what is still a sticking point for present-day Mormons.
Plural Marriage
Joseph Smith, whom respected researcher/writer Jon Krakauer describes as a “sex addict”, desired sex with women other than his wife. Since most Christians consider sex outside marriage a sin, Smith found a solution in the Old Testament: multiple marriages. Smith’s original wife had serious issues with this, as did both men and women in the church, but since Smith was the only one allowed to receive messages directly from God by then, Smith won. When Wife #1 suggested that women might take additional husbands, Smith over-ruled her again, announcing that plural marriage was only for men. He then proceeded to take a multitude of young “wives” – and some were as young as 14 – and call it God’s plan. Unlike the Old Testament version, the taking of plural wives by Mormons was not contingent upon being able to afford multiple wives; rather, Mormon men were supposed to take more than one wife because God wanted them to do so. Not surprisingly, Smith also received messages from God that explained how important it was for Mormons to have as many children as possible; the ability to have multiple children was purportedly the purpose for having multiple wives.
The Mormons hail originally from New York state, but they, in their sojourn to find a place where they could practice their faith – and have their many wives – in peace, settled in Ohio, Missouri and Illinois before high-tailing it out west to what is now Utah. Joseph Smith was killed in Illinois before the group could make its exit, and another fellow, Brigham Young, took over and led the wandering faithful to the promised land, so-determined because nobody else wanted it. The Mormons prospered and reproduced in this western territory, building their own cities, governments, and growing in considerable political clout. However, since the majority of the rest of the country was appalled by (or jealous of) plural marriage, the Mormons were forced to relinquish the practice in order to be granted statehood in 1896. Though mainstream Mormons today will swear to you that they disapprove of plural marriage and that nobody practices it anymore, they (and anyone else who is paying attention) know that lots of Mormons still keep an extra wife or three stashed in various hamlets/backwaters in the western states.
To this day, Mormons are encouraged to have big families (The Osmonds, for example), although they are not all required to be musical.
Mormons are overwhelmingly white and Republican, since Republicans support the kinds of “values” (no abortion, no homosexuality, no women getting uppity and trying to run things) that Mormons support. They are almost always white because the Mormon religion is at its core extremely racist. Most Christian denominations have their fair share of racists and racist ideas (the Southern Baptist Church, for example, formed in large part to affirm slavery and repudiate Yankee Baptists who weren’t wild about it); however, the Mormons base their theology on racism. According to the Mormons, Noah’s son, Ham (whom we only hope was not a vegetarian), married a non-white woman and produced a race of mixed-breed children who were less intelligent and less moral than Noah’s other children. Of course, this premise is inherently faulty if you accept that Noah and his family were the only humans to survive the great flood that God sent to punish humankind. Where did these non-white women come from? Wasn’t everyone dead? But again, if you believe that Smith translated a language inscribed on golden tablets by staring at crystals in an upside-down hat, it’s not such a stretch.
Until the late 1970’s, black men were not allowed to become elders in the Mormon church (women, by the way, are never allowed to have such leadership positions, black or otherwise). Although blacks are now allowed to hold these positions, there hasn’t been a huge rush of blacks joining the Mormon church. Go figure.
Mormons, in short, believe in big families, traditional family structures (men in charge, women doing what the men say, children obeying their parents), the absolute authority of the Church over members’ private lives, no mingling of the races, and absolutely no Democrats. They also wear sacred underwear, which are designed to cover up all the “special parts” and discourage extramarital hanky-panky and masturbation. Sacred underwear, needless to say, does not affect one’s fertility.
Mormon catchphrases:
1) “The Bible is important, but the Book of Mormon explains what has happened since then.” Meaning: The Bible’s old news; the Book of Mormon is where it’s at!
2) “We believe in strong families.” Meaning: The man’s in charge, the woman is submissive, and the kids will absolutely behave or we will knock them silly – praise Moroni.
3) “We aren’t racists.” Meaning: If you ain’t white, stay the heck out of Utah.
4) “We don’t practice polygamy any more.” Meaning: We don’t need to practice; we’re good at it.
