Tuesday, August 16, 2005
When I said Branding, I meant that in a marketing sense
The Southern Baptist (and those who love them)
Many, if not most, Evangelicals are Protestant. There are a few “Charismatic Catholics” and “Evangelical Episcopalians” out there, but there aren’t really enough of these to worry about. Rather, we’ll focus on the Protestant variety, in all their variety.
Southern Baptists
As the name suggest, they are mostly a Southern religion, with large populations found below the Mason-Dixon Line. Paradoxically, the Southern Baptists began as a denomination that favored what is called “the priesthood of the believer,” a clerical-sounding expression that means “Baptists are allowed to interpret the Bible for themselves, sans priests, Popes, etc.” However, almost as soon as the Baptists opened their church doors, their own members began chipping away at this belief. The Southern Baptist Convention, for example, is currently bent on ridding the faith of any preacher, teacher, or rural mail carrier who does not believe that the entire Bible – even the wacky books such as Revelation – is literally and completely “the divinely inspired Word of God.” Even summer and short-term missionaries – young Baptists who eagerly wish to serve the Lord in Pagan-invested cesspools such as Hawaii and Panama City Beach, Florida – must now sign statements of faith in which they swear the Bible is literally true, while also swearing that they will either be submissive wives or marry a woman who promises to be duly submissive. Since the Bible is pretty clear about lying being a sin, more and more young people are having trouble signing on, even for the short term.
Baptists often abstain from activities such as dancing, playing cards, listening to secular (not specifically Christian) music, and even attending movies. While the extent of the abstinence depends on both the sect of Baptist as well as the individual Baptist, it isn’t unusual to run across a Baptist who avoids at least one of the aforementioned.
Catch-phrases to help one identify Southern Baptists:
1) “Are you saved?” Meaning: Have you had an emotional experience in which you have declared yourself utterly sinful and lost? And have you then asked Jesus Christ to take charge of your life, guide you in all things – and be your eternal scapegoat, as in “Jesus told me to break up with you, Becca” – for the rest of your life?
2) “But are you walking the walk?” Meaning: I know you’ve been saved (see above), but are you following the rules (not having sex outside marriage, not drinking, not smoking, not doing drugs, not listening to secular music, and not having any fun that doesn’t directly involve a church-sponsored activity)?
3) “Is he/she backsliding?” Meaning: Is he/she having sex outside marriage, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, listening to rock/rap/hiphop/pop (country music, although often raucous is still often patriotic – see Toby Keith – which makes up for any nastiness – again, see Toby Keith – that may be involved.), or generally having any fun not directly linked to a church-sponsored activity?
4) “Bless her/his heart…” Meaning: This catch-phrase is the required preface for Christianized gossip of all sorts. As in, “bless her heart, she’s become a complete alcoholic since her husband moved in with that young man.” Often used in the guise of requesting prayer, “bless her/his heart” actually means “Pay attention – I’m about to dish some serious dirt.”
5) “I prayed about it, and…” Meaning: much like “bless her/his heart,” this statement is a preface for all manner of information, from the prophetic to the almost-profane. For example, “I prayed about it, and God told me to fire you. But remember, when God closes a door, He opens a window!(to jump from?)”; “I prayed about it, and Jesus said I shouldn’t go to the prom with you, Bobby,”; “I prayed about it, and the Lord told me you needed to stop listening to those evil KISS albums (this one is recycled from my childhood. Sorry!).”
Many, if not most, Evangelicals are Protestant. There are a few “Charismatic Catholics” and “Evangelical Episcopalians” out there, but there aren’t really enough of these to worry about. Rather, we’ll focus on the Protestant variety, in all their variety.
Southern Baptists
As the name suggest, they are mostly a Southern religion, with large populations found below the Mason-Dixon Line. Paradoxically, the Southern Baptists began as a denomination that favored what is called “the priesthood of the believer,” a clerical-sounding expression that means “Baptists are allowed to interpret the Bible for themselves, sans priests, Popes, etc.” However, almost as soon as the Baptists opened their church doors, their own members began chipping away at this belief. The Southern Baptist Convention, for example, is currently bent on ridding the faith of any preacher, teacher, or rural mail carrier who does not believe that the entire Bible – even the wacky books such as Revelation – is literally and completely “the divinely inspired Word of God.” Even summer and short-term missionaries – young Baptists who eagerly wish to serve the Lord in Pagan-invested cesspools such as Hawaii and Panama City Beach, Florida – must now sign statements of faith in which they swear the Bible is literally true, while also swearing that they will either be submissive wives or marry a woman who promises to be duly submissive. Since the Bible is pretty clear about lying being a sin, more and more young people are having trouble signing on, even for the short term.
Baptists often abstain from activities such as dancing, playing cards, listening to secular (not specifically Christian) music, and even attending movies. While the extent of the abstinence depends on both the sect of Baptist as well as the individual Baptist, it isn’t unusual to run across a Baptist who avoids at least one of the aforementioned.
Catch-phrases to help one identify Southern Baptists:
1) “Are you saved?” Meaning: Have you had an emotional experience in which you have declared yourself utterly sinful and lost? And have you then asked Jesus Christ to take charge of your life, guide you in all things – and be your eternal scapegoat, as in “Jesus told me to break up with you, Becca” – for the rest of your life?
2) “But are you walking the walk?” Meaning: I know you’ve been saved (see above), but are you following the rules (not having sex outside marriage, not drinking, not smoking, not doing drugs, not listening to secular music, and not having any fun that doesn’t directly involve a church-sponsored activity)?
3) “Is he/she backsliding?” Meaning: Is he/she having sex outside marriage, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, listening to rock/rap/hiphop/pop (country music, although often raucous is still often patriotic – see Toby Keith – which makes up for any nastiness – again, see Toby Keith – that may be involved.), or generally having any fun not directly linked to a church-sponsored activity?
4) “Bless her/his heart…” Meaning: This catch-phrase is the required preface for Christianized gossip of all sorts. As in, “bless her heart, she’s become a complete alcoholic since her husband moved in with that young man.” Often used in the guise of requesting prayer, “bless her/his heart” actually means “Pay attention – I’m about to dish some serious dirt.”
5) “I prayed about it, and…” Meaning: much like “bless her/his heart,” this statement is a preface for all manner of information, from the prophetic to the almost-profane. For example, “I prayed about it, and God told me to fire you. But remember, when God closes a door, He opens a window!(to jump from?)”; “I prayed about it, and Jesus said I shouldn’t go to the prom with you, Bobby,”; “I prayed about it, and the Lord told me you needed to stop listening to those evil KISS albums (this one is recycled from my childhood. Sorry!).”
