Friday, August 26, 2005
Weird Religious Stuff That Charismatics Do
Being filled with the Holy Ghost: Having observed the effects of the “Holy Ghost” on more than a few people, I’m constantly amazed that people invite this particular haunting. Those who are overcome by the power of the third person of the trinity speak in tongues (see below), run around the church sanctuary with their hands up in the air, scream uncontrollably, and even faint (see being “slain in the spirit”). It is exceedingly frightening to watch, and I can’t imagine for a second wanting it to happen. Yet, many people do and report that it was a fantastic experience. They probably wouldn’t think so much of it if they had a video recording of the event.
Speaking in tongues: A direct result of being “filled with the Holy Ghost,” speaking in tongues involves a person suddenly speaking a completely different language. The person who receives this “gift of tongues” won’t be able to control it; he/she will utter these new words ecstatically in front of the entire congregation. Now, before you begin imagining a United Nations event, please be aware that these utterances sound suspiciously like “lama, slamma, olabama, lie” repeated over and over. We’re not talking about French, German, Spanish, or Zulu here; these tongues are always of the “unknown” variety. Nobody has any flippin’ idea what “lama, slamma, olabama, lie” means, though some other person in the congregation will usually jump up when the “lama, slamma” portion ends and “interpret” the language. Again, don’t get excited. I have never yet heard any interpretation that was revelatory. Apparently, “lama, slamma” means “oh, we praise you Jesus/God/Holy Spirit.” Still, it is more fun than listening to Baptists argue over who is more backslidden: Bill Clinton or Janet Jackson?
Being slain in the spirit: People who are “slain in the spirit” are so overcome by the mysterious third person of the trinity that they faint. The slayage happens during or after other visitations of the Holy Spirit, i.e., after a couple of people have spoken in tongues, run around the sanctuary, and generally acted like a hippie on acid. For many people being “slain in the spirit” isn’t a one-time thing; really prepared folks make sure they have friends on hand to catch them when the Holy Spirit gets frisky. Less experienced people have to conk their heads a few times before they wise up and get a spotter.
Note: If you can’t get into any of the above and want to fake it, try standing up and screaming uncontrollably…but only in a Charismatic denomination. Baptists, Methodists, and Mormons will throw your butt right out of the sanctuary.
Speaking in tongues: A direct result of being “filled with the Holy Ghost,” speaking in tongues involves a person suddenly speaking a completely different language. The person who receives this “gift of tongues” won’t be able to control it; he/she will utter these new words ecstatically in front of the entire congregation. Now, before you begin imagining a United Nations event, please be aware that these utterances sound suspiciously like “lama, slamma, olabama, lie” repeated over and over. We’re not talking about French, German, Spanish, or Zulu here; these tongues are always of the “unknown” variety. Nobody has any flippin’ idea what “lama, slamma, olabama, lie” means, though some other person in the congregation will usually jump up when the “lama, slamma” portion ends and “interpret” the language. Again, don’t get excited. I have never yet heard any interpretation that was revelatory. Apparently, “lama, slamma” means “oh, we praise you Jesus/God/Holy Spirit.” Still, it is more fun than listening to Baptists argue over who is more backslidden: Bill Clinton or Janet Jackson?
Being slain in the spirit: People who are “slain in the spirit” are so overcome by the mysterious third person of the trinity that they faint. The slayage happens during or after other visitations of the Holy Spirit, i.e., after a couple of people have spoken in tongues, run around the sanctuary, and generally acted like a hippie on acid. For many people being “slain in the spirit” isn’t a one-time thing; really prepared folks make sure they have friends on hand to catch them when the Holy Spirit gets frisky. Less experienced people have to conk their heads a few times before they wise up and get a spotter.
Note: If you can’t get into any of the above and want to fake it, try standing up and screaming uncontrollably…but only in a Charismatic denomination. Baptists, Methodists, and Mormons will throw your butt right out of the sanctuary.
