Wednesday, August 17, 2005
There's a Methodist to our Madness
United Methodists
The founder of the Methodist Church, John Wesley (who remained, ironically, a member of the Church of England), had a life-changing experience while in church. During the service, he says he felt “his heart strangely warmed” by the spirit of God and knew forever after that he was “saved.”
Methodists the world over are still having their hearts warmed during church services, family night suppers, church-sponsored exercise classes, and youth meetings. Being social animals above all else, Methodists have never met a spaghetti dinner they didn’t love – or attend. While Baptists are all about getting you in church to “save” you, Methodists are mostly about getting you in church. Once there, you can join 8,000 different Sunday school classes, volunteer with “ministries” as diverse as Pre-School Choir, Visiting the Shut-Ins (church members who, due to either illness or old age or both, are no longer able to attend church regularly), Coaching Youth Softball (aka, paying penance for previous wild living), and even Sanctuary upkeep (changing the flowers on a weekly basis so that they don’t clash with the ministers’ robes). Baptists may make every attempt to save your soul directly, but Methodists prefer to monopolize every second of your free time. I suspect this is an attempt to drive Satan out by giving him not one minute in which to work.
Unlike Baptists, Methodists do not often abstain from cultural activities such as dancing, playing cards, going to movies, etc. Some churches even sponsor dances for their own young people. In response, other denominations in the area frequently sponsor prayer meetings in which to pray for Methodists. The one thing an Evangelical loves even more than converting a heathen is co-opting someone from another Christian denomination. Such activities earn Evangelicals “jewels for their crowns.” In this metaphorical turn of phrase, the “jewels” refer to the souls of those former non-Christians that you have “led to the Lord.” The “crowns” are of the kingly sort; i.e., the ones you wear on your head.
Many years ago, a Sunday school teacher of mine was lecturing a 20-something young man in the Sunday School class. She disapproved of this young man, who was rumored to have had more than a few romantic rendezvous with young ladies in his Ford F-150 after church services. I can’t swear to the rendezvous, since I, not being blonde, was never asked to participate. The Sunday School teacher, though, had posed a question she knew he could not adequately answer:
Teacher: “Ralph (not his real name), what will you do with your heavenly crown once you’ve earned all your jewels?”
Ralph: “Wear it?”
Teacher: “No! You’ll lay it down at the foot of Jesus!”
To Ralph’s credit, I didn’t know the right answer, either, although there is a Biblical reference in the New Testament that mentions laying one’s crowns down at the foot of Christ’s throne. Maybe that sort of terminology goes over better in countries with Constitutional Monarchies.
Catch-phrases to help one identify United Methodists:
1) “Do you want to come to our church hayride? It’s a lot of fun!”
2) “Do you want to come to the dance in our church fellowship hall? It’s a lot of fun!”
3) “Do you want to come to our family-night supper? It’s a lot of fun!”
4) “Do you want to come to our church-sponsored AA meeting? There’s food afterward, and that’s a lot of fun!”
The founder of the Methodist Church, John Wesley (who remained, ironically, a member of the Church of England), had a life-changing experience while in church. During the service, he says he felt “his heart strangely warmed” by the spirit of God and knew forever after that he was “saved.”
Methodists the world over are still having their hearts warmed during church services, family night suppers, church-sponsored exercise classes, and youth meetings. Being social animals above all else, Methodists have never met a spaghetti dinner they didn’t love – or attend. While Baptists are all about getting you in church to “save” you, Methodists are mostly about getting you in church. Once there, you can join 8,000 different Sunday school classes, volunteer with “ministries” as diverse as Pre-School Choir, Visiting the Shut-Ins (church members who, due to either illness or old age or both, are no longer able to attend church regularly), Coaching Youth Softball (aka, paying penance for previous wild living), and even Sanctuary upkeep (changing the flowers on a weekly basis so that they don’t clash with the ministers’ robes). Baptists may make every attempt to save your soul directly, but Methodists prefer to monopolize every second of your free time. I suspect this is an attempt to drive Satan out by giving him not one minute in which to work.
Unlike Baptists, Methodists do not often abstain from cultural activities such as dancing, playing cards, going to movies, etc. Some churches even sponsor dances for their own young people. In response, other denominations in the area frequently sponsor prayer meetings in which to pray for Methodists. The one thing an Evangelical loves even more than converting a heathen is co-opting someone from another Christian denomination. Such activities earn Evangelicals “jewels for their crowns.” In this metaphorical turn of phrase, the “jewels” refer to the souls of those former non-Christians that you have “led to the Lord.” The “crowns” are of the kingly sort; i.e., the ones you wear on your head.
Many years ago, a Sunday school teacher of mine was lecturing a 20-something young man in the Sunday School class. She disapproved of this young man, who was rumored to have had more than a few romantic rendezvous with young ladies in his Ford F-150 after church services. I can’t swear to the rendezvous, since I, not being blonde, was never asked to participate. The Sunday School teacher, though, had posed a question she knew he could not adequately answer:
Teacher: “Ralph (not his real name), what will you do with your heavenly crown once you’ve earned all your jewels?”
Ralph: “Wear it?”
Teacher: “No! You’ll lay it down at the foot of Jesus!”
To Ralph’s credit, I didn’t know the right answer, either, although there is a Biblical reference in the New Testament that mentions laying one’s crowns down at the foot of Christ’s throne. Maybe that sort of terminology goes over better in countries with Constitutional Monarchies.
Catch-phrases to help one identify United Methodists:
1) “Do you want to come to our church hayride? It’s a lot of fun!”
2) “Do you want to come to the dance in our church fellowship hall? It’s a lot of fun!”
3) “Do you want to come to our family-night supper? It’s a lot of fun!”
4) “Do you want to come to our church-sponsored AA meeting? There’s food afterward, and that’s a lot of fun!”
