Friday, August 12, 2005
Is this the end of the world as we know it?
Much as I hate to agree with anything Tim LaHaye (Left Behind) says, I witnessed two events yesterday that made me think perhaps the end of the world is near. First, I saw a sign advertising a housing development called Paper Chase Trail (no lie) with prices starting “from the 900’s.” Second, I saw a flock of geese flying north, likely in search of reasonable housing prices.
The 900’s?! I looked two or three times to make sure I’d read the sign correctly, and there it was, staring my impoverished, Subaru-driving self in the face. The 900’s. Snarky thing that I am, I immediately started mocking the advertising campaign: “Yes, Cliff, our statistics show that people respond more robustly to ‘the 900’s’ rather than ‘a million.’” Really? Does somebody with that kind of cash need to quibble over $100,000? Or is this a ploy to attract homeseekers who actually fall into the $500,000 to $700,000 range but wish to move up in the pecking order? For those of us who would dearly love to find a treehouse in the $100,000 to $150,000 range, questions such as these are merely academic. For example, we don’t use a word like robust to describe the economy; while robust does mean “strong and healthy,” this term is more accurately applied to either people (that bodybuilder is certainly robust!) or coffee (enjoy the robust taste of our rich, Colombian brew.) The term, robust, used to describe the economy is the latest attempt by not-very-smart people to sound smarter than they are by misusing perfectly good words.
“Cliff, we need some new words. Do you know where we can find them?”
“Yes, Rich. I do. It’s called the dictionary.”
“What’s a dictionary?”
“It’s a big book full of words.”
“Aren’t all books full of words?”
“Yes, but this book has words we can actually use, so it’s not a waste of time like all those other books.”
People who can afford to buy homes in Paper Chase Trail don’t spend their time reading books, for God’s sake. They have people to do that for them. Hey, maybe I could do that for some obscenely rich person? Read books for them (or to them, if they want. I like to read aloud.). Perhaps I could even live in the guest house – I feel sure Paper Chase Trail boasts guesthouses or servants’ quarters or at least a room off the wine cellar for the help. A few years from now, when we do run out of gasoline and sprawling Metro areas dependent upon roads/Interstates become ghost towns, I might be able to afford a guest house in Paper Chase Trail. Shoot, by then I might assume squatter’s rights in the main house and use the furniture for firewood.
But the Apocalypse will have to happen first, I suspect. Of course, there are those who think it’s already begun. Last November, after the disastrous national election, a dear friend at work patted my sagging shoulder and announced, “Last Days are here, honey. Last Days are here. Bad times comin.’” A month before, a man in the Lowes Foods Parking Lot (NC store – ya’ll don’t have them here) noticed my Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker and explained to me that he believes George W. is the anti-Christ. “He quotes the Bible and says all these religious things, but he does the opposite. The Bible says the anti-Christ will fool everybody, that people will support him and think he’s good. At first.” I smiled and nodded, then told him my ice cream was melting so he’d leave me alone.
I don’t buy into all the creepy 666/barcodes-on-foreheads/four-riders-bearing-plagues schools of thought, but I’ve been wrong before (I thought Kerry would win.). It certainly would be damn ironic if all these Republi-Christians had actually elected the anti-Christ. At the same time, it would also suck for everybody, but that’s what happens when you turn your backs on people for whom ideology is God. Maybe somebody should check Georgie’s feet; if he’s sportin’ cloven hooves, we’re even more screwed than I thought.
The 900’s?! I looked two or three times to make sure I’d read the sign correctly, and there it was, staring my impoverished, Subaru-driving self in the face. The 900’s. Snarky thing that I am, I immediately started mocking the advertising campaign: “Yes, Cliff, our statistics show that people respond more robustly to ‘the 900’s’ rather than ‘a million.’” Really? Does somebody with that kind of cash need to quibble over $100,000? Or is this a ploy to attract homeseekers who actually fall into the $500,000 to $700,000 range but wish to move up in the pecking order? For those of us who would dearly love to find a treehouse in the $100,000 to $150,000 range, questions such as these are merely academic. For example, we don’t use a word like robust to describe the economy; while robust does mean “strong and healthy,” this term is more accurately applied to either people (that bodybuilder is certainly robust!) or coffee (enjoy the robust taste of our rich, Colombian brew.) The term, robust, used to describe the economy is the latest attempt by not-very-smart people to sound smarter than they are by misusing perfectly good words.
“Cliff, we need some new words. Do you know where we can find them?”
“Yes, Rich. I do. It’s called the dictionary.”
“What’s a dictionary?”
“It’s a big book full of words.”
“Aren’t all books full of words?”
“Yes, but this book has words we can actually use, so it’s not a waste of time like all those other books.”
People who can afford to buy homes in Paper Chase Trail don’t spend their time reading books, for God’s sake. They have people to do that for them. Hey, maybe I could do that for some obscenely rich person? Read books for them (or to them, if they want. I like to read aloud.). Perhaps I could even live in the guest house – I feel sure Paper Chase Trail boasts guesthouses or servants’ quarters or at least a room off the wine cellar for the help. A few years from now, when we do run out of gasoline and sprawling Metro areas dependent upon roads/Interstates become ghost towns, I might be able to afford a guest house in Paper Chase Trail. Shoot, by then I might assume squatter’s rights in the main house and use the furniture for firewood.
But the Apocalypse will have to happen first, I suspect. Of course, there are those who think it’s already begun. Last November, after the disastrous national election, a dear friend at work patted my sagging shoulder and announced, “Last Days are here, honey. Last Days are here. Bad times comin.’” A month before, a man in the Lowes Foods Parking Lot (NC store – ya’ll don’t have them here) noticed my Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker and explained to me that he believes George W. is the anti-Christ. “He quotes the Bible and says all these religious things, but he does the opposite. The Bible says the anti-Christ will fool everybody, that people will support him and think he’s good. At first.” I smiled and nodded, then told him my ice cream was melting so he’d leave me alone.
I don’t buy into all the creepy 666/barcodes-on-foreheads/four-riders-bearing-plagues schools of thought, but I’ve been wrong before (I thought Kerry would win.). It certainly would be damn ironic if all these Republi-Christians had actually elected the anti-Christ. At the same time, it would also suck for everybody, but that’s what happens when you turn your backs on people for whom ideology is God. Maybe somebody should check Georgie’s feet; if he’s sportin’ cloven hooves, we’re even more screwed than I thought.
