Monday, August 15, 2005
Fundamentalist oder Evangelical? Was ist das?
After exhaustive research and zero soul-searching, I’ve come up with a basic guide to help you – the nominally religious, non-religious, or religious-but-not-all-bent-about-it – begin to understand the “New Evangelicals,” that amorphous group of religious folks who think George W. Bush is a good, Christian man and all Democrats are hell-bound.
In my not-so-humble opinion, these “New Evangelicals” closely resemble the “Old Puritans” of Thanksgiving and witch-burning fame.
The Puritans believed that if a person followed God’s laws and lived a pure life, he/she would prosper financially. Therefore, a person with money was also a good, decent person. The New Evangelicals have similar beliefs, mainly that taxes are straight from the Devil and poor people are bad people who clearly need to get their religious houses in order and stop living off welfare.
Evangelicals are basically evangelists, which means that they believe in trying to make as many converts as possible. This is why they show up at your apartment at 10 a.m. on Saturday morning – blatantly ignoring the no-soliciting signs – to invite you to their church. Like any graduate from a 12-step program, an Evangelical takes seriously the idea of helping others; unlike 12-step program grads, however, Evangelicals do not accept that people have the right to find their own peace. Rather, there is only one way out, and that way leads to the Pearly Gates. You may temporarily confound the stranger at your door by telling him/her that you are a Buddhist/Muslim/Jew/Pagan; however, the Evangelical will quickly rebound by attempting to convert you that much more. The only surefire way to get rid of the person is to lie. For example, you might try this: “Why, I was saved when I was 15, after losing my virginity at a Black Sabbath concert, which I would regret had it not drawn me closer to the Lord.”
Coming tomorrow: The Branding of Evangelicals.
In my not-so-humble opinion, these “New Evangelicals” closely resemble the “Old Puritans” of Thanksgiving and witch-burning fame.
The Puritans believed that if a person followed God’s laws and lived a pure life, he/she would prosper financially. Therefore, a person with money was also a good, decent person. The New Evangelicals have similar beliefs, mainly that taxes are straight from the Devil and poor people are bad people who clearly need to get their religious houses in order and stop living off welfare.
Evangelicals are basically evangelists, which means that they believe in trying to make as many converts as possible. This is why they show up at your apartment at 10 a.m. on Saturday morning – blatantly ignoring the no-soliciting signs – to invite you to their church. Like any graduate from a 12-step program, an Evangelical takes seriously the idea of helping others; unlike 12-step program grads, however, Evangelicals do not accept that people have the right to find their own peace. Rather, there is only one way out, and that way leads to the Pearly Gates. You may temporarily confound the stranger at your door by telling him/her that you are a Buddhist/Muslim/Jew/Pagan; however, the Evangelical will quickly rebound by attempting to convert you that much more. The only surefire way to get rid of the person is to lie. For example, you might try this: “Why, I was saved when I was 15, after losing my virginity at a Black Sabbath concert, which I would regret had it not drawn me closer to the Lord.”
Coming tomorrow: The Branding of Evangelicals.
